Mona Lisa with a Mustache

What should we do with these replacement referees? I say shower them with love and give them all raises. “Are you serious?” you may ask. Absolutely. This is the best thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass. For all of those bitching and complaining about the sanctity of football, that has been out the window for me ever since Goodell blatantly withheld information regarding players safety. When profit and financial interest trumps players being able to critically think at the age of 50, the game was morphed into a joke. The replacement refs are just the punchline.

When was the last time this much attention was given to a single regular season game? Not only that, but a regular season game in Seattle none the less. If the NFL cares more about ratings then the “sanctity” of the game, which it seems they do, didn’t they just hit the jackpot? I don’t have cable, but you can bet I dragged myself out to my parents house to watch this game. Was I disappointed? Hell no. That was the most entertaining football game I’ve watched in awhile – and who cares where the excitement came from, right? The NFL, and sports in general, are all about entertaining the customers and I think it is clear that those who watched the game were entertained.

After the Monday night game, Rick Reilly compared the replacement refs doing NFL games to painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa. The only problem is, have you ever tried to remove a mustache from a painting? It is practically impossible. So you know what I do when I screw up a painting? I continue screwing it up until it is something completely different than I originally intended it to be. The NFL shouldn’t bring back the regular officials, they should double down on the replacement ones. Even if Ed Hochuli is on the field next Sunday, does that really help the now 1-2 Packers and Patriots, two teams that  could easily miss the playoffs due to games handed to their opponents. It is weird to say that an entire NFL season is tarnished when we haven’t even hit a bye week, but it clearly is. The only option, in my mind, is to continue with what got you here. Hell, the NFL should go a step farther, and here is how they do it.

1.) Randomly select players on their bye week to officiate the games. If Triple H can be a special guest referee for the WWE, why can’t we have Roethlisberger as the back judge? A fun wrinkle would be that instead of revved up coaches like Jim Harbaugh throwing a puny red flag to challenge a play, they get to challenge the ref in question to a minute long fist fight in which the crowd decides the victor. How much would you pay to see Tom Coughlin call line judge James Harrison a pussy and then kick him in the shin?  Bank accounts would be cleared around the country.

2.) Women in bikinis. Why not mix Americas passions of sex and violence? What is the best way to do this you may ask. Poll the NFL players to see what the most frequented strip clubs used by them are, and then bring those girls in to officiate the games. The players would be less likely to blow up during a game at an official if they knew it would prohibit them from getting laid later that night. I can’t stop smiling thinking about a player blowing up on a stripperef in the moment and then immediately groveling and apologizing like a man whose wife just checked out his browser history.

3.) Death row inmates. I always admired George Carlin for his stance on public execution, and how this country needs more of it. Find me a better way to make the most violent sport in America even more violent. After each game, the crowd would be given a “ask the audience” type contraption they used on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. They get to choose who they believed to be the worst referee of the game. That ref is marched onto the 50 yard line while everyone in the stands gets to come on the field and throw stones at the guy. Plus, there’s a chance that these games would be officiated better if the officials lives were on the line.

Unfortunately for the NFL, you cannot just erase these last three weeks from the record books. Bringing back the regular officials now is already too late, you’d just be polishing a freshly pinched turd. So this your chance regular officials. Double your offer and try and stick it to Goodell. If there is one thing America loves it is a train wreck – just ask the Kardashians or Honey Boo-Boo. I don’t want the regular officials to come back and allow this train to stop on the tracks, I want the replacements to stay in the conductors booth and put this thing into a ravine.

Joshua Jackson

@JoshJackson_TID