Mona Lisa with a Mustache

What should we do with these replacement referees? I say shower them with love and give them all raises. “Are you serious?” you may ask. Absolutely. This is the best thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass. For all of those bitching and complaining about the sanctity of football, that has been out the window for me ever since Goodell blatantly withheld information regarding players safety. When profit and financial interest trumps players being able to critically think at the age of 50, the game was morphed into a joke. The replacement refs are just the punchline.

When was the last time this much attention was given to a single regular season game? Not only that, but a regular season game in Seattle none the less. If the NFL cares more about ratings then the “sanctity” of the game, which it seems they do, didn’t they just hit the jackpot? I don’t have cable, but you can bet I dragged myself out to my parents house to watch this game. Was I disappointed? Hell no. That was the most entertaining football game I’ve watched in awhile – and who cares where the excitement came from, right? The NFL, and sports in general, are all about entertaining the customers and I think it is clear that those who watched the game were entertained.

After the Monday night game, Rick Reilly compared the replacement refs doing NFL games to painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa. The only problem is, have you ever tried to remove a mustache from a painting? It is practically impossible. So you know what I do when I screw up a painting? I continue screwing it up until it is something completely different than I originally intended it to be. The NFL shouldn’t bring back the regular officials, they should double down on the replacement ones. Even if Ed Hochuli is on the field next Sunday, does that really help the now 1-2 Packers and Patriots, two teams that  could easily miss the playoffs due to games handed to their opponents. It is weird to say that an entire NFL season is tarnished when we haven’t even hit a bye week, but it clearly is. The only option, in my mind, is to continue with what got you here. Hell, the NFL should go a step farther, and here is how they do it.

1.) Randomly select players on their bye week to officiate the games. If Triple H can be a special guest referee for the WWE, why can’t we have Roethlisberger as the back judge? A fun wrinkle would be that instead of revved up coaches like Jim Harbaugh throwing a puny red flag to challenge a play, they get to challenge the ref in question to a minute long fist fight in which the crowd decides the victor. How much would you pay to see Tom Coughlin call line judge James Harrison a pussy and then kick him in the shin?  Bank accounts would be cleared around the country.

2.) Women in bikinis. Why not mix Americas passions of sex and violence? What is the best way to do this you may ask. Poll the NFL players to see what the most frequented strip clubs used by them are, and then bring those girls in to officiate the games. The players would be less likely to blow up during a game at an official if they knew it would prohibit them from getting laid later that night. I can’t stop smiling thinking about a player blowing up on a stripperef in the moment and then immediately groveling and apologizing like a man whose wife just checked out his browser history.

3.) Death row inmates. I always admired George Carlin for his stance on public execution, and how this country needs more of it. Find me a better way to make the most violent sport in America even more violent. After each game, the crowd would be given a “ask the audience” type contraption they used on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. They get to choose who they believed to be the worst referee of the game. That ref is marched onto the 50 yard line while everyone in the stands gets to come on the field and throw stones at the guy. Plus, there’s a chance that these games would be officiated better if the officials lives were on the line.

Unfortunately for the NFL, you cannot just erase these last three weeks from the record books. Bringing back the regular officials now is already too late, you’d just be polishing a freshly pinched turd. So this your chance regular officials. Double your offer and try and stick it to Goodell. If there is one thing America loves it is a train wreck – just ask the Kardashians or Honey Boo-Boo. I don’t want the regular officials to come back and allow this train to stop on the tracks, I want the replacements to stay in the conductors booth and put this thing into a ravine.

Joshua Jackson

@JoshJackson_TID

The Sneakiest Wolves in the West

Photo Credit: http://i.cdn.turner.com/nba/nba/.element/media/2.0/teamsites/timberwolves/media/roy17.jpg

The Minnesota Timberwolves have done a quick job of changing the culture and makeup of their locker room. With the additions of veterans Brandon Roy and Andrei Kirilenko the Timberwolves look like a team that has transitioned away from a group of immature underachievers, to a well rounded team that seems poised to make the playoffs for the first time since Kevin Garnett’s MVP season, which coincides with the last time I balled up on my little tykes basketball hoop. The real question is, will this Wolves season mirror Ned Stark or Rob Stark. How long can this team stay in the NBA’s Game of Thrones?

Just two seasons ago, they had a roster filled with an assortment of young players who hadn’t – and still haven’t- lived up to their draft pick (Johnny Flynn, Sebastian Telfair and Wesley Johnson), players who did not have a definitive position who also never lived up to their draft pick (Michael Beasley, Anthony Randolph) and the immortal Darko Milicic, a center who plays with as much emotion as Jesse Pinkman after his third rock of the day. All six of those players are no longer in Minnesota, and for the most part have been replaced with much more professional players with higher basketball I.Q.’s that have a track record of success. The Timberwolves biggest addition was also the sneakiest move of the off-season, bringing in Brandon Roy.

Two-years ago Brandon Roy was seen as the clear cut third best shooting guard in the league behind Kobe Bryant and Dwayne Wade. The reason for his downfall has nothing to do with play on the court, it was whether or not he could play on the court. A season ago, the NBA watched in sadness as a player with such talent and drive was forced to retire extremely prematurely due to knee issues. If you take away the knee problems, what do you have? You have a player who can put up 20 points on any given night and explode for 30 every once in awhile. The last wing player the Timberwolves had with that scoring ability was Latrell Spreewell, who was also a me first cancer in both the locker room and when the ball wasn’t in his hand. Roy is cut from a different cloth. He has the ability to score off the dribble, his driving and pull-up abilities are what made him a special player, but he can also work without the ball coming off of screens and setting other up to score. He is an above average passer from the off-guard position and is a very capable defender and rebounder. Not only that, but from all accounts he was a good leader in the locker room and good with the community of Portland. The final key to Brandon Roy’s success with the T-Wolves is that he has shown the capability to take over games late, and hit the big shot when it matters. He even showed the capacity for the clutch gene when his knees had abandoned him, just ask the Mavericks. With Roy and Kevin Love, the Wolves might have found a combination of players that can help cure them of the chronic late game woes that have plagued Minnesota for far too long.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “that’s fine and dandy, but how did he magically regain the ability to feel his knees?” The answer is reginokine knee treatment from Dr. Chris Renna in Germany. You know, the same doctor who helped rejuvenate Kobe’s knees to the same extent as Sylvester Stallone’s mother has been rejuvenated by plastic surgery.

Do I honestly believe this team has a shot at the title? No. But I do think they have the ability to make the playoffs, and once they get there make themselves a very difficult team to push out. With Rick Adelman at the helm, who is BY FAR the greatest coach the Timberwolves have ever employed, this team has shades of the Oklahoma City team that pushed the Lakers in the opening round just a few years back. The whitest team since 1987 have all the pieces in place to finally get themselves out of the lottery, which is good because God knows they wouldn’t have ended up with the number one pick.


Joshua Jackson
@JoshJackson_TID

10 Things Learned in Week 1

Photo Credit: http://i2.cdn.turner.com/si/2012/football/nfl/08/20/Miami-Dolphins-Ryan-Tannehill.ap/Ryan-Tannehill-1.jpg

1.) The Dolphins offense has mono: Ryan Tannehill had a rough day in his NFL debut, throwing three interceptions – all of which were tipped at the line of scrimmage. Not only does their first round franchise quarterback have terrible depth perception, but he has nobody to pass it to if he does find a pocket to throw it to. The Dolphins running game wasn’t horrible as Reggie Bush and Daniel Thomas combined for 80 yards on the ground. The only problem is with a passing game whose go to receiver is Devon Bess and has Ryan Tannehill taking snaps, having only 80 yards on the ground is going to lose them a lot of games. It sounds weird actually seeing it on paper, but they may miss not starting Matt Moore.

2.) New England is not the same team as last year: New England’s achilles heel last season was an astounding lack of a pass rush. Sure, Vince Wilfork did his thing on the interior clogging up the holes, but that did not stop quarterbacks from having all-day to find a receiver – just ask Eli Manning. With the addition of first round picks Chandler Jones and Dont’a Hightower, the Patriots now have the ability to control the trenches on defense, which allows Jerod Mayo, Patrick Chung, and Devin McCourty to fly around the field and make big hits leading to big turnovers. If the Patriot defense can be come opportunistic along the lines of New Orleans on the championship run, they are early favorite in the AFC.

3.) Green Bay is the same team as last year: Green Bay was far and away the most dominant regular season team in the NFL last season. As we have come to see in the past few years, that does not always lead to post season success. The cause for Green Bay’s early departure from the playoffs at the hands of the Giants was two fold; their inability to control the trenches on either side of the football and their inability to establish any semblance of a running game. The Packers spent their first six picks on the defensive end of the ball, creating depth for a defense which has had trouble staying healthy over the past few seasons. Will those picks step in and make immediate impact against the best in the league? We will talk about that next. With the addition of Cedric Benson, many believed that the James Starks/Ryan Grant tandem of inadequacy was over and he would fit in like Corey Dillon did in his first year with the Patriots. After watching Sunday’s game, he seems to be washed up.

4.) The 49ers are really good: So how did the Packers new defensive additions look against one of the best teams in the league? Over- matched and outclassed. The 49ers offensive and defensive front towered over their Packer counterparts, which led to San Fransisco getting anything they wanted on either side of the field. The entire defense played masterfully against the NFL’s best maestro – negating any shortcomings in the secondary by making them cover for short amounts of time because their pass rush was rushing Rodgers into quick decisions. On the offensive side of the ball, the 49ers have the most talent around Alex Smith in his eight seasons at the helm. Mario Manningham and Randy Moss are noticeable upgrades at the second and third wide receiver position and they have an embarrassment of riches in running back depth with Frank Gore, Kendall Hunter, Brandon Jacobs, and LaMichael James.

5.) Michael Vick is no longer an elite player: This may not be a news flash to everyone, but Michael Vick is no longer a top notch NFL quarterback, even if he is getting paid like one. The thing that always stood out of Vick was his versatility, but in the opening match up against the Browns, Vick seemed afraid to exit the pocket – and inside the pocket he is a below-average passer. Much of the blame could be put on Andy Reid for making Vick throw the ball 56 times all while Shady McCoy averaged 5.1 yards per carry over twenty carries. Vick can still be effective, but he cannot be the focal point of this offense if the Eagles have any chance of getting to the playoffs.

6.) Peyton Manning might be back: It is easy to look at Manning’s numbers to point this out, but what was more interesting to me was the way he thoroughly impressed his own teammates. A good example of this was the before and after interaction between Manning and Eric Decker on Demaryius Thomas’ 71 yard touchdown. My guess at how the conversation went:

Manning: Eric, don’t even run your route, just immediately crack the cornerback on the outside and get out of the way.
Decker: Are you serious? What, are you going to do, run it?
Manning: Do I fucking look like Tim Tebow? Just do it. (Death stare)
Decker: Alright, fine.
(Thomas steaks for the touchdown)
Decker: Holy shit, I can’t believe that worked.
Manning: Did I mention I’m not Tim Tebow?

7.) Oakland’s offense is Darren McFadden: While Carson Palmer may have been an upgrade from Jason Campbell, the Raiders still don’t seem to have any offense that doesn’t involve Darren McFadden. Not only was he Oakland’s rushing leader, he was also their leader in targets, receptions, and receiving yards. Hell, they might want to think of hiring coach Yoast as their defensive coordinator, just so McFadden can play corner back too. Raider nation better pray this is the season McFadden stays healthy, because without Michael Bush waiting in the wings, a McFadden injury might lead to the ugliest looking team in the league.

8.) The Jets are not dead: They were just playing possum. I, being the over-thinker that I am, decided I would test their preseason inadequacies by starting the Bills defense for my fantasy team. It might have been the first time I’ve heard Mark Sanchez is taking advantage and it not being linked to his new contract. I can’t even talk any more shit, Sanchez was lights out in Week 1, completely negating the Bills “improved” front four which many (including myself) thought would give him trouble. If he keeps this up for the next few weeks, not only will Tebow talk decline, but he might be wearing the green and gold down in Jacksonville.

9.) Adrian Peterson is Superman: The guy tore both his MCL and ACL and is back on the field looking like someone who had turf toe. He only had surgery eight and a half months ago and was in the starting line-up for the Vikings. Not only did he start, but he was the only reason they won. Peterson rushed 17 times for 84 yards and two touchdowns. Honestly, this is one of the more amazing injury comeback stories I have seen in awhile and is just a testament to his hard work and overall physique.

10.) Chris Johnson is not: Are we sure it wasn’t Chris Johnson who tore his ACL and MCL? There really isn’t much to say about a guy who has been a headline nightmare the last few seasons starting the year off with four yards on 11 carries. Chris Johnson has become a track player wearing a running backs number. He has little ability to find a hole and his offensive line is not good enough to consistently give him a hole to run through. If he has a hole to run through, he has the ability go take it to the house every time, but those holes will not be there every time.
Joshua Jackson
@JoshJackson_TID

Where Loyalties Lie as a Sports Fan

Photo Credit: http://www.foxsportsnorth.com/common/medialib/270/609306.jpg

Being a sports fan can range from easy and fun to difficult and gut-wrenching. This gap can be attributed to such things as geographic location and teams your alliances fall with. If you live in New York and are a Yankees fan - you probably live a fulfilling sports life all while your neighbor, who's a Mets' fan, is currently tying a noose to his ceiling fan. Those who don't follow sports would just ask - "why the hell doesn't the Mets guy become a Rangers fan, they've gotten to the World Series back-to-back years?" Answer: If you live in the general vicinity of a professional sports team - you are contractually obligated to root for that team. "If that's the case, why doesn't fan number two become a Yankee's fan?" Well there are multiple factors for this;

1.) Familiarity: If you grow up your entire life rooting for a sports franchise, you consider yourself a part of the team. When they lose, you lose. Shit, there's times when the fans are more beaten up about a big loss than the players. It's like a Catholic Marriage; there has to be something astoundingly messed up for you to pack up your bags and change teams. It takes too much time to relocate and become accustomed with a new franchise. Plus, you have probably created a little-man's complex about your team that can only be satisfied with victory.

2.) Bandwagon Retribution: If you have publicly supported a team and then switch affiliations - be ready for a sandstorm of hatred from every person you know - and the entire city of Cleveland. If you think fame is a fickle food, sports fans are a fickle buffet. If you don't believe me, walk down a block filled with Pirates fans in a Bucco's jersey. When you've gotten everyone's attentions, rip it off WWE style until you are standing there in a Phillies jersey. Trust me, something will pop off.

3.) Playing the Stock Game: In the hipster culture of today, everything that can be conceived as art is kind of like a trading stock. In high school I discovered a mix-tape I really enjoyed called "A Kid Named Cudi." I had bought stock in Kid Cudi early. Less than a year later I heard "Day N' Night" on the radio and recognized his voice and thought - I know this guy. At that time I was able to cash in my stock for "cool points," because I had listened to Kid Cudi before anyone else. Although most of my friends enjoyed his music, nobody felt the same connection I did to hearing Cudi go commercial. It is the same way as a sports fan. A championship would taste so much sweeter to Royals fans who haven't "cashed out" these last twenty years than those who are jumping back on the bandwagon right as they've started to get exciting again. Everybody always feels their team is due, and they don't want to miss the opportunity to feel complete bliss after sticking it out through all the bad times.

I, however, live in Topeka, Kansas. You might have guessed that we do not have a professional sports team. However, just about an hour away are the Royals and the Chiefs so my loyalties must go towards them. I have only strayed from them being my teams one time each. I loved Pedro Martinez, so much so I spent $80 of my own money as a 10 year old to buy a watercolor painting of him in Niagara Falls. I became a Red Sox fan and cashed in my stock in 2004 with a smile - something that would have left me weeping in happiness if I had grown up a Boston fan.

Acceptability Level: 5/10 (Pedro was a transcendent player who played my favorite position better than anyone else. This was also during the era where the Royals got pennies on the dollar for Carols Beltran, Jermaine Dye, Johnny Damon and so on and so forth. There is always a push-and-pull effect of blame between the old team and the new team. At least, that's how we rationalize it.)

In 2003, I abandoned the Chiefs as my favorite team in the league. My new team - The Baltimore Ravens. I wish my reason for switching was something I didn't sound like a complete jackass for saying, like "I became a huge fan of The Wire and was enthralled with the city of Baltimore and saw how important the franchise was to such a devastated city and fell in love." Nope. Jamaal Lewis was my sixth round fantasy football draft pick and won me my league by rushing for over 2,000 yards that season. I bought the only J. Lewis jersey I could find with my birthday money and it still is, to this day, two sizes too big for me.

Acceptability Level: 0/10 (If we could dip into the negatives I would. Twenty-one year old me wants to bitch-slap some sports sense into thirteen year old me as I speak. If you change teams based on fantasy football - please go play hopscotch on a busy two-lane highway.)

As an avid NBA fan, and a citizen of the state of Kansas, my loyalties do not lie with any team based on geographic location. In situations like that, most people have a favorite player, and his team is your team. Kevin Garnett was and always will be my guy. I watched him put up a triple-double in person against the Blazers - all while yelling, flexing, beating his chest, and doing pushups after an and-one. I guarantee I was the biggest T-Wolves fan in Kansas history, but that all changed when KG was traded to the Celtics for Al Jefferson and three packs of Trident Layers. Overnight, I had become a Celtics fan.

Acceptability Level: 9/10 (I followed my guy through the muck in Minnesota for almost a decade and finally had the chance to watch him play for a contender. This is the reason I don't give LeBron fans trouble for trading their Cavs jersey in for a Heat one.)

As KG nears retirement, I looked to the newer generation for someone who would take his mantle once he hung his sneakers up. As fate would have it, he plays for the Timberwolves. I battled anyone who said Ricky Rubio would be a flop once he made it to the NBA. Now that he's had a successful NBA season, I feel vilified for the verbal stock I put into him for two years. I now have to clarify the Celtics are my favorite team in the East and the Wolves are my favorite team in the West to not lie to myself.

Acceptability Level: 6.5/10 (Negative points for going to the team I Left4Dead, especially now that they have a team that is on the up and up. A little bandwagon like, but hey, screw you and your Brooklyn Nets snap-back. Positive points for staying with Rubio through the tough years as well as falling in love with the most entertaining team in the league last year. If they can somehow get a healthy Brandon Roy, they might take over the Celtics' spot.)

Moral of the story: Love the one your with, and if you can't do that - figure out a good excuse.

Josh Jackson

@JoshJackson_TID